I haven’t posted anything that was actually mine in a while, so I figure I might as well now.
It actually feels great having a boyfriend who gives a shit about me and shows that he cares instead of acting like an uncaring, ambivalent asshole. The days where we massage each other and just cuddle are the best. I love when he sings Oh Gloria by The Sleeping to me and nuzzles into my neck. I don’t know why I’m rambling but I’ll keep going. It’s nice to go into deep conversations with him and just being myself and saying whatever I want. I could never do that before with some people. The cuddling, watching hour long marathons of Weeds, coming up with strategies in Pokemon are wonderful.
I don’t know who’s talking now. Me, the pain, or the drugs in my bloodstream to relieve the pain. Maybe it’s a mixture of the three. I double up in a ball and retreat inside my head. I want it to be blank, but I’m not that lucky. Here I see you and think, maybe you’re lying and only want me for your own personal gain. Or, you actually consider me one of your best friends. But then, I see him. Lovely, just lovely, I say to myself. The icing on the cake that is the confusion whirling inside my head. My own personal hurricane. What do you want now? A friend? Your girlfriend back? You know, the one who actually cared about and loved you. The one who you utterly and irrefutably betrayed. Have you two come to finish me off? Get the job done, so you can carry on? Too late, I’m already broken. Probably irreparable as well, if the tide is in your favors. Congratulations gentleman, you both became everything you hated and what you said you wouldn’t become.